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They’re doing bios of the people at one of the companies I’m working with, for their investors, so I was asked to jot down some informat- ion about myself. I was told to “make it interesting”.

Apologies to Mom & Dad. You’d never toss cabers.


——– Original Message ——– Subject: Re: Marketing Meeting Date: Thu, 21 Oct 1999 00:21:11 +0000 From: Ian Andrew Bell To: Fenella Tigner

Fenella, you said you needed a better bio for me. Here goes:

Ian Andrew Bell was born in the bonny bluffs of Oak Hill, Ontario, Canada to a Scotsman and his wee lassie. Sadly, his parents were killed at an early age in a disastrous caber-tossing incident and he was raised by the famed Royal Canadian Kilted Yaksmen Brigade at Bonnydoon, otherwise known as the West Side of Vancouver, BC, Canada.

As a Royal Canadian Kilted Yaksman young Ian learned to farm trees and grow hemp (both of which could be smoked if one had the incl- ination and a big enough match), as well as the fine art of Scottish Highland Dance. As a youth Ian also learned to hunt and fish with the local Indian band, the Fugawis. The Fugawi people, in addition to being excellent trackers, are credited with inventing the early steps and moves which later came to be known as breakdancing.

The Yaksmen, steeped in the traditions of highland dancing, railed against young Master Ian’s newfound love of dub poetry and break- dancing, and the boy was torn asunder — his heart ripped between that which he now loved, and that which he had always known. This choice between Michael Flatley and Jam Master Jay would prove to be pivotal for this strong-minded youth.

And so it was with heavy heart that Ian Andrew Bell turned in his kilt and sporran and headed down to the local Canadian Tire(tm) to purchase his first 4-foot by 4-foot piece of ruby red linoleum: a rite of passage that lives on in infamy for the clan of the Kilted Yaksmen and in triumph for the breakdancing elite of the Fugawi people.

Soon Ian ascended the throne as the breakdance culture evolved into the hip-hop movement as we know it today. But the transition from sgian dubh to adidas had its own perils, as Ian’s epic battle with producer Suge Knight for supremacy of the hip-hop world spilled onto the streets in an ugly East-Coast vs. West-Coast battle that killed, injured, or jailed more than two dozen rap superstars and their entourage.

It was only with the triumphant unification of both the Bell and Knight camps at a 1998 performance featuring rap superstars Chuck D, Kool Moe Dee, Eric B. & Rakim, and DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince in New York City’s Madison Square Gardens that peace entered into Ian’s life.. The sellout crowd roared as Suge Knight was wheeled out onto the stage and was embraced by a teary Ian Andrew Bell, who followed the peacemaking with a well-oiled breakdance routine to the rhythms of Fatboy Slim doing a live remake of Bootsy Collins’ classic “Bootzilla”.

Ian has never forgotten his roots as a Kilted Yaksman. He contributes $1 million annually to a fund for parentless victims of caber-tossing accidents, and maintains a sheep farm outside of Auchenleith, Scotland.