Oh … wait … you didn’t know that wind resistance was slowing down our precious pastime? ‘Zounds, it’s true! Some boffin at MIT even proved that the new tunics reduce the drag on a player’s body by 9%. And the moisture that gathered on old jerseys was apparently weighing down the 210-250 lb. players wearing them. The horror! No mention, however, was made that an extra 3 hours on the bike per week might speed up the average player by the same amount gained from the jerseys, or that, you know, dumping water on jerseys mid-game probably has a lot more effect on the moisture of a jersey than the sweat “wicking” properties of a fabric ever did. Pure obfuscation!

I now own a couple of pro-issue RBK practice jerseys, and I am indeed a sweat machine when playing in goal. The Wired article confirms what I, as well as a few vocal NHL players have said: duh, Gary, absorbing sweat in the jersey is actually a good thing. As they’ve confirmed and I’ve experienced first-hand, stepping onto the ice in one of the new RBK jerseys ensures that while your sweater might feel bone-dry after a few hours of play, the same will not be true of your equipment, which starts to soak within minutes thanks to sweat “wicking” off the fabric and on to every other piece of equipment on your body. The league and RBK completely ignored this and other practicalities until wunderkind Sidney Crosby confirmed the complaints of others. Now they plan to make as yet unspecified changes.

As the Wired piece points out, most of the “performance gain” claimed with the new jerseys comes as a result of making them more form-fitting. Again, duh. They could have just stuck with the old jerseys & forced everyone to make them a size smaller if they were so fixated on a 9% drag reduction — if only in the name of science. But of course we all realize where Bettman’s spreadsheet was really focused in doing the RBK deal.

In their infinite wisdom, RBK have also decided that they won’t be making a goalie-cut version of the Platinum Pro jerseys available to the general public because there “aren’t enough goalies” to justify a production run — really? Nice to know that at the corporate level, RBK really understands the hockey scene. Of course the reduction in wind resistance doesn’t benefit most goalies I know, so perhaps it’s just as well.

Anyway, before you spring double the cost of the old jerseys to buy yourself one of these new-fangled ones you might want to let Bettman and his army of pseudo-scientists work out some of the kinks. In the meantime, this latest failure of his has got to leave more and more people asking whether the real kink that needs to be worked out of the system is Bettman himself.

-Ian.

Okay, so let’s say you’re a big Ottawa Senators fan. No shame in that, really.. the team has been in the top three of their division and made the playoffs in every one of the last five seasons, suffering heartbreaking losses to the Leafs, Sabres, and Devils in each.

So for the 2006-2007 season, this was your year. The Sens’ juggernaut march to the Stanley Cup Final seemed almost pre-ordained, and the kids just wouldn’t stop nagging you to take them to a game. Unless you were a City Hall Employee that cost was going to be daunting, so you mortgaged the house, sold the family mini-van, and bought some pricey tickets to the ScotiaBank Place to watch them, ultimately, get eviscerated by the Anaheim Ducks.

Of course, when you got there you probably realized that both the inside and outside of the stadium were a sea of red jerseys. So off you trundled to the souvenir shop to get yourself a new jersey, one for each of the kids, and so on. It turns out that, according to this CBC article, you weren’t alone.. and the ring at the register was music to the ears of Senators’ management. The team, which was in bankruptcy in 2003, sold more jerseys during the postseason this year than they normally do even during the pre-Christmas rush, selling acoutrements to the “Red Army” three to four times their rate during the regular season.

Now comes a disclaimer: when it comes to Bettman‘s NHL, I am a cynic. Where the league has failed completely in any effort to develop revenues from television, licensing, and practically anything else, teams are left to fend for themselves. Thus, unlike other professional sports, the bulk of the pricey salaries of the players is borne by fans attending the games and supporting their teams by purchasing merchandise. There is no other major professional sport like this in the world.

Anyway, you feel great when you’re wearing the team’s uniform: and when that uniform is the same as the guys on the ice. That’s why, when the whole league went from using the white jersey as their home ice jersey to using their dark jerseys for home games three years ago, the fans all dutifully went to the gift shoppe and smacked down another $200 for the big red Sens (or blue Canucks, or ugly teal Sharks) jerseys, relegating the former home whites to the garage. You’re wearing the same togs as Alfredsson, and because you’re Canadian you have that certain ‘je-ne-sais-quoi’ that makes you look a little bit like at least one of the 400+ NHL players, and maybe just maybe for a split second that girl in the third row thinks you might be Jason Spezza. Or at least Ian Turnbull. These are just some of the benefits of having just the right team jersey, aren’t they, SuperFan?

So there you are wearing your new $200 investment, watching the Sens lose, and thinking to yourself that at least you and the kids’ll be able to wear your new garments with pride for seasons to come. All hope is not lost, right?

Wrong.

Because the league in its wisdom has inked a deal with RBK to supply new uniforms to all 30 NHL teams, you’re about to be sold up the creek.  Alfredsson’ll be donning a completely new jersey this October.  This means that the life of your spankin’ new jersey will be sadly shortened.  The RBK Edge Uniform, as it is called, is different enough to obsolete your lame (formerly cool) old jersey.  But of course nobody outside of hockey circles knows that… and certainly Senators management were not making it widely understood that such a dramatic change was in the works — to wit, we still haven’t seen the redesigned jerseys for each of the teams, presumably to allow retailers (including the NHL itself) time to blow out old inventory on hapless punters.

This is how the new NHL rewards its (ever decreasing) base of loyal fans.  Bleed, suckers.