These are the things that define a Franchise player.  And in twenty years, though he’s graced two cities with his presence and leadership, Sakic has only played for a single NHL team.

How often will a cradle-to-grave career with a single team happen in the modern, cap-driven NHL?

Detroit actually has three such franchise players, Zetterberg, Datsyuk, and Lidstrom — none of whom have played for any other NHL team.  And as they’ve already experienced, it’s a very big challenge to keep your high-priced toys and build out a balanced team.  Lidstrom will, very likely, retire as a Red Wing.  This will make it doubly difficult to retain Zetterberg and Datsyuk in the long-term as more of a burden will rest on them for leadership — and if the team declines they’ll likely head off in search of more rings elsewhere..

Eventually Iginla will hang up his Flames’ jersey, and Modano will fall behind the pace of play in Dallas.  It’s likely that Pittsburgh will ultimately have to choose among Crosby, Malkin, and Staal.  Which of the three will go the distance with a 20-year career on the Penguins?

With salaries for superstars nudging the $10 Million mark, and the Salary Cap remaining reasonably constant at around $55M (with GMs trying to exert downward pressure) it will be VERY difficult to retain talented superstars in their senior, so-called paycheck years, while continuing to develop new talent and surrounding them with a passable squad so that they can put bums in seats and take a stab at the cup one in a while.  There may even be some kind of inverse probability that high-paid stars will get a shot at winning a cup because of this.

Sadly — as Sakic, Iginla, Lidstrom, and Modano make their way to the exits — we may just have seen the last of the career franchise player.  Perhaps teams should start selling player jerseys to fans with velcro nameplates on the back.

As the Stanley Cup playoffs rage on, a select crew of Canadian players whose teams are out of the running are over in Moscow defending Canada’s great cultural hockey tradition at the IIHF Hockey World Championships. The 2007 team, which was given a pass this year by past, current, and future greats like Sidney Crosby, Joe Sakic and Ryan Smyth so they could lick the wounds of a tough NHL season, is led on the ice by one Mr. Shane Doan.

But as the quest for the cup continues and the Worlds are well underway, they’re both being overshadowed by another Canadian cultural tradition: the self-promoting protestations of… what, exactly? by Canada’s official cultural muckraker, Liberal MP Denis Coderre. Apparently Shane, during a heated battle in Montreal where the calls by four francophone officials were definitely not in his team’s favour he is alleged to have had the audacity to say something nasty about them. In a hockey game, no less, which are of course known for the pleasantries and politeness exchanged among the league’s dainty, sensitive skaters.

Here, dear friends, is the offending quote (cover your eyes, kids!):

“Four French referees in Montreal, Cuje, figure it out.”

That’s what he said, as was determined by the NHL investigation, including testimony from goaltender Curtis “Cujo” Joseph, conducted after the December 13, 2005 game. But of course that’s not what linesmen Michel Cormier, from 30 feet away or what Coderre, several electoral ridings away, heard. Their imaginative ears inferred far fewer syllables: “f$cking French”. A fitting synopsis, perhaps, but not what he said.

In any case, either statement may be on record as the mildest response to having the opposing team run your goalie without receiving a penalty in NHL history.

But of course, this isn’t really about what he said or didn’t say, is it?

And this isn’t the first time Coderre, formerly the Liberal cabinet member responsible for sport, has gone after Doan. The first time was in early 2006, when Doan was called to play for the Canadian olympic team — and when Coderre was fighting to be re-elected in his fiercely Québécois riding of Bourassa, the Bloc Québécois candidate nipping at his heels as they have throughout his career. What a tidy coincidence that Doan made himself such a worthy target for the Liberals, whose government was under siege for having siphoned millions of dollars in graft to their Quebec constituents. Actually that number likely tops hundreds of billions, but that’s another issue. The battle between Denis Coderre and Shane Doan has raged ever since through defamation lawsuits.

It would be foolish to deny that in hockey circles there is a palpable animosity between anglophone and francophone hockey players in Canada — friends of mine who played bantam and junior pored over their French textbooks looking for worthy insults to utter as they lined up for faceoffs against kids from Quebec. Even the CBC show “Making The Cut” (now on GlobalTV), which searched for the top 6 unsigned hockey players in its first season, aired the fiery utterance by one of the anglophone players against a Québécois competitor who’d slashed him during tryouts: “that’s typical cheap french bullsh#t.” He later apologized, but the reality is that when insults fly out on the ice, no matter how harsh they might sound, they are rarely sincere.

It would be much more foolish to give credence to this “affair”, as it will inevitably be called, which drags Hockey Canada chief Bob Nicholson to testify before a bogus parliamentary committee as the Bloc Québécois clamors to ring in on the subject and defend le Quebec Libre, while Coderre plays the jubilant ringmaster. He must be thankful that someone has said something mean about his constituents so that he can rise to defend their honour against the slightest .. er .. slight.

But the whole process is, in the grand Candian parliamentary tradition, a farce. Hockey Canada is not even a federal agency, though it receives funding from the ministry responsible for promoting sport. What’s more, it is illegal for Parliament to accuse a Canadian citizen of a crime (is there a crime here?) for which he has never been convicted — this is called a Bill of Attainder and it’s been rejected by most western democracies since, oh, the 19th century. But this waste of time serves a grander purpose that makes it easy for our honourable MPs to pack the bandwagon full of proponents: it’s distracting the nation from the fact that 8 more Canadian soldiers died last month in Afghanistan, and that the violence (and our inability to cope with it) is escalating.

Nope. This isn’t about hockey, racism or ethnic slurs. It’s about grandstanding, and the age-old Canadian sport of politicians capitalizing on a societal victim mentality which has ingrained itself in the minds of Canada’s francophone minority. This is about the politics of culture, and Shane Doan is a pawn in a perpetual cycle pandering to and exploiting the irrational fears of a distinct society by Canada’s politicians, Nationalist and Separatist alike.

Those of us who understand and play the sport of hockey, which was originally promoted by Lord Stanley to unify the budding Canadian nation, believe and respect the fact that what happens on the ice stays on the ice.

In this case it is clearly the gross misconduct of politicians, not of hockey players, that shames our nation.

-Ian.

-Ian.

——- http://www.tsn.ca/nhl/news_story.asp?idB629

Roy announces retirement from NHL

Canadian Press

5/28/2003

DENVER (AP-CP) – Patrick Roy’s piercing blue eyes gave no hint of the emotional moment. While those around him choked back tears and had trouble speaking, Roy barely blinked.

One of the greatest goalies in NHL history had been preparing for this moment for nearly a year.

“I feel great about my decision,” Roy said Wednesday after announcing his retirement. “I really feel like I emptied the tank and I’m ready to move on. I step aside with no regrets.”

Roy is just two years removed from his best regular season and is still considered one of the league’s premier goalies at 37, but he figured it would be better to go out on top rather than tarnish his image.

“It’s always been important for me to play with consistency, but also leave on my own terms,” said Roy, who made the decision to retire before this season. “I think I’ve accomplished everything I wanted and I think I’ve done basically what I think I should.”

It’s hard to imagine doing much more.

Roy won four Stanley Cup titles – two each with Colorado and Montreal – and holds nearly every major goaltending record. He is the only three-time winner of the Conn Smythe Trophy, awarded to the MVP of the playoffs.

He is the league’s career leader in victories with 551 and games played with 1,029, and he’s also tops in playoff victories, games played and shutouts.

His 23 playoff shutouts and his 247 post-season games and 151 wins are well ahead of Grant Fuhr, who is second with 150 games and 92 wins. He also popularized the butterfly style of play.

“You always knew you would have a chance to win with Patrick in net,” said Mike Keane, who played with Roy in Colorado and Montreal.

Roy announced his retirement at a news conference attended by his wife Michele and three children, Avalanche coach Tony Granato, and teammates Keane, Joe Sakic and Brad Larsen.

The biggest sports news in Denver since John Elway retired three years ago was carried live on several local television stations was beamed live via satellite to Montreal, where reporters were able to ask questions. The news conference was also carried live in Canada on Rogers Sportsnet, CBC Newsworld, The Score, RDS, the Quebec all-news channels RDI and LCN.

With a large mural of him as a backdrop and a cutout of his figure in front of a goal on the side, Roy reflected on a career that began with a six-year-old kid stopping shots in the upstairs of his parents’ house with pillows strapped to his legs.

“I’ve had a blast. It’s been unbelievable. I’ve been so fortunate to have lived a dream and have fun for more than 18 years earning a living by playing a game I love,” said Roy, who spoke in English and French during the news conference.

Those around him had a little more trouble accepting that Roy had left the crease for the last time.

Michele Roy got teary-eyed on several occasions and Avalanche general manager Pierre Lacroix choked back tears as he talked about his relationship with Roy.

“I was fortunate to share a lot of experiences with Patrick and his family,” said Lacroix, who was Roy’s agent before bringing him to Denver in 1995 in a trade with Montreal.

“Every hockey fan in Colorado and throughout the world will always remember your remarkable accomplishments,” Lacroix said as he turned to Roy.

Roy said his only emotional time came the morning after Colorado’s Game 7 loss to Minnesota in the first round of this year’s playoffs, a game in which he gave up the winning goal to Andrew Brunette in overtime.

“That morning when I got up, I had tears in my eyes thinking that could be the last game,” Roy said. “But from there I really felt good about everything.”

Roy has been bothered by arthritic hips and has lost some of his mobility, but said his health had no bearing on the decision.

“This year was probably the best year,” Roy said of his health. “Injury was not even a factor in my decision.”

In retiring, Roy walks away from one year left on his contract, which was at Colorado’s option, worth $8.5 million US. He is due a $1-million bonus upon retirement.

Roy said he’s open to serving in a management role with an NHL team, but his immediate plans are to move back to Quebec and work with the junior team he owns, the Remparts. He also wants to spend time following the career of his son, Jonathan, who will begin playing at Notre Dame, the prestigious prep school in Saskatchewan, in the fall.

Lacroix said the Avalanche will retire Roy’s No. 33 jersey during a game next season. It will hang next to Ray Bourque’s No. 77, the only other Avalanche jersey to be retired since the team moved to Colorado in 1995. The Montreal Canadiens wouldn’t say Wednesday if they will follow suit.

His relationship with the team ended on bad terms when, on Dec. 2, 1995, Mario Tremblay, who had replaced Jacques Demers as head coach of the Canadiens two weeks into the season, left Roy in for nine goals of an 11-1 loss to Detroit at the old Montreal Forum.

Roy raised his arms in defiance to the braying crowd and when he was finally pulled, he brushed past Tremblay, leaned over to team president Ronald Corey and said he was finished in Montreal. He was soon traded Colorado.

He also angered many Canadian hockey fans when he decided not to play for Canada at the 2002 Salt Lake City Olympics. He said it was because he wanted to focus on his NHL season but many felt it was because he wasn’t guaranteed a starting spot. Canada went on to win the gold medal. Roy did play in the 1998 Winter Games in Japan where Canada finished fourth.

When asked Wednesday if he had any regrets about missing out on the gold medal, Roy didn’t miss a beat.

“Not at all,” he said. “I went to the Olympics in Nagano and I had a good time there. It was perfect. I had my chance, at the time I thought I had other things to do and I still have no regrets.”

*Hockey 2002: Go north, young man – and woman*

December 25, 2002

By Daren Smith SportsTicker Hockey Editor

JERSEY CITY, New Jersey (Ticker) – It’s been almost a decade since a Canadian team captured the Stanley Cup. But make no mistake, Canada was the center of the hockey universe in 2002.

Canada reclaimed its hockey supremacy during two rollercoaster weeks in February in Salt Lake City.

The 2002 Winter Games did not begin well for a country that had gone a half-century since its last Olympic men’s hockey gold medal. Canada was whipped by Sweden in its first game, looked unimpressive in a win over Germany and settled for a tie with the Czech Republic to complete the preliminary round.

That did not sit well with the folks back home. So Team Canada general manager Wayne Gretzky pulled a page from his nation’s rich hockey history and launched into a vitriolic defense of the team that conjured memories of Phil Esposito’s sweat-drenched plea during the 1972 Summit Series.

“I just felt that the team was feeling a little bit stressful, a little bit tight, and I just felt I had to step forward and get all the focus off the guys and turn the focus in a different direction,” Gretzky explained later.

The pieces began to fall into place as the Canadians edged Finland, 2-1, then blitzed overmatched Belarus, 7-1, to earn a spot in the gold medal game. Tiny Belarus had pulled one of the great upsets in Olympic hockey by eliminating the Swedes.

Awaiting Canada was the United States, the only unbeaten team in the tournament. History appeared to rest with the Americans, who were unbeaten in 24 consecutive contests on U.S. soil.

But Gretzky had a secret weapon. Before the Olympic tournament began, ice maker Trent Evans, an Edmonton native, buried a “loonie” – a $1 Canadian coin – under the faceoff circle at center ice.

“The Greeks built good luck hero statues of Hercules and Adonis, the Irish have the Blarney Stone and four-leaf clovers and the Canadians have the Salt Lake Loonie,” Hockey Hall of Fame curator Phil Pritchard said.

The loonie earned a spot in the Hall of Fame thanks to Canada’s 5-2 victory in the gold medal game.

Eight months after leading the Colorado Avalanche <“>http://sports.yahoo.com/nhl/players/7/7/> scored two goals and set up two others for Canada. He got the go-ahead goal on the power play with 1:41 to go in the second period, assisted on Jarome Iginla <.”>http://sports.yahoo.com/nhl/players/6/686/>. “Winning the gold kind of reassures Canada.”

Two days before the Canadian men ended their drought, the women avenged their only loss in major international competition with a 3-2 triumph over the United States.

The U.S. defeated Canada to win the inaugural women’s hockey gold medal four years earlier in Nagano. But Canada got even on American soil.

Hayley Wickenheiser, the Gretzky of Canadian women’s hockey, put her team in front just over four minutes into the second period, and Jayna Hefford scored the back-breaker just a second before period ended.

The NHL took off nearly three weeks to allow its players to participate in a second straight Winter Games. Once the break was over, the Detroit Red Wings <“>http://sports.yahoo.com/nhl/teams/car/> in five games.

The turning point was Game Three, when 41-year-old Igor Larionov <“>http://sports.yahoo.com/nhl/players/2/260/> also retired.

But the Red Wings don’t rebuild, they reload. Free agent Curtis Joseph <“>http://sports.yahoo.com/nhl/teams/ott/> at $95 million, Calgary Flames <“>http://sports.yahoo.com/nhl/teams/edm/> at $86 million.

Those are the teams with the most to lose as the league struggles to reach 2003-04, when its collective bargaining agreement with the NHL Players Association expires.

And that’s the story that figures to dominate the headlines as hockey begins the new year.

———–

Bourque retires after 22 years in NHL, Stanley Cup win

By JOHN MOSSMAN AP Sports Writer June 26, 2001

DENVER (AP) — For 22 seasons, Ray Bourque performed like few others on the ice. On Tuesday, he showed he knew how to make a grand exit, too.

Bourque announced his retirement 17 days after hoisting the Stanley Cup with tears streaming down his face.

Bourque’s pursuit of the elusive cup made him a sentimental favorite in this year’s playoffs.

“It took a long time, but the timing was perfect,” he said. “For me, this is a pretty neat finish. It means I retire as a champion.”

An emotional Bourque dabbed at his eyes and choked back tears several times at a news conference.

“Many of you have asked why I am retiring at a time when I am still playing pretty well,” Bourque said.

“By far the most important factor is my desire to be around my children,” said the father of three.

“Frankly, I also have had a strong commitment to myself never to stay too long in the game. Also, we are still on cloud nine having won the Stanley Cup and having achieved that goal kind of rounds out my career.

“It’s been a wonderful, happy, terrific 22 years.”

Bourque, 40, the highest-scoring defenseman in NHL history, was a five-time winner of the Norris Trophy as the league’s best defenseman and played in a record 19 consecutive All-Star games.

He played for 21 seasons in Boston, but requested a trade to a contender in March 2000 in hopes of winning the Stanley Cup. He finally got it when the Colorado Avalanche beat the New Jersey Devils in Game 7 on June 9.

Although Bourque’s stint in Colorado lasted just 15 months, his No. 77 jersey will be retired and will hang from the rafters of Pepsi Center, Avalanche general manager Pierre Lacroix said.

“Ray’s contributions to our hockey club were tremendous and will never be forgotten,” Lacroix said.

Bourque’s jersey is the first to be retired in the six-year history of the Avalanche and the fifth in the history of the franchise, which originated as the Quebec Nordiques.

Despite his long career in Boston, Bourque said, “I am a Colorado Avalanche, and I am retiring as one. So it is only right that I have returned to Denver to make this announcement.”

Bourque recalled reporting to the Boston Bruins’ training camp in 1979, “hoping to make the big team. I was a shy, quiet kid from St. Laurent, Quebec. I believed I could play in the NHL, but you never know until you get there.

“Over 1,800 games and 22 years later, here I am having exceeded my wildest dreams. I have been honored to play with great players on terrific teams. I have been very lucky along the way. I’ve avoided devastating injuries. I’ve won a few awards. And I’ve capped my career by being part of a Stanley Cup-winning team.”

Family matters became more important for Bourque since his trade to the Avalanche. Bourque’s wife, Christiane, and their children, aged 17, 15 and 10, stayed in Boston after he was traded.

Other than spending more time with his family, Bourque said he had no immediate plans for his future.

“This summer is going to be very busy, especially with a visit from my new friend, Stanley,” he said. “I’ve had that cup twice now with me, and next week it’s going to Montreal with me.

“I suppose once I get to the fall, I’ll be able to sit back and think about some business options and other opportunities.”

He called winning the cup “an unbelievable feeling,” but insisted he had “absolutely no regrets” about leaving the game now.

“To compete at the highest level of this game, you have to be mentally prepared every night,” he said. “Honestly, that gets tougher and tougher to do after 22 seasons.

“I could have played another two or three years, but I don’t think I would have played at the same level. I’ve always wanted to go out on my terms and playing at the level I’ve been accustomed to playing. There are some things you can’t do anymore. You make some adjustments, but you just can’t react as quick, and I knew I wasn’t going to get any quicker.”

Asked what he will miss most, Bourque said, “Just messing around with the guys, having fun playing a kid’s game. I am 40 years old and go to the rink every day and play a game for a living. It doesn’t get much better than that.”

Bourque said he decided last summer that the 2000-2001 season would be his last, regardless of his team’s accomplishments.

“The voice in my head kept saying the same thing. I knew I was leaving after this year. I was just hoping it could finish like this. This is the one thing I was chasing for so long and hoped I was going to be able to hoist.”

Asked what legacy he hoped to leave his teammates, he said, “I think the passion and just the joy of playing the game.”

With Bourque’s retirement, the Avalanche save $5.5 million, the difference between his 2001-02 salary of $6.5 million and a $1 million buyout. That should help the team pursue its marquee free agents: Joe Sakic, Rob Blake and Patrick Roy.

I just read, my eyes filled with incredulity, the ignorance spewed by the Denver Post’s Woody Paige on April 12, 2001 in an article (sic) titled “Canada Can’t Cancel The Avs This Postseason”. As a Canadian, I found its content to be virulently offensive. It is also exemplary of everything that’s wrong with the attitude of some Americans (and unlike Mr. Paige I will resist the temptation to generalize by saying ALL Americans) toward the world that lies outside their borders.

Here is my response to Mr. Paige’s article:

Dear Woody;

It would behoove you to know, sir, that the nation upon which you urinated in your rambling and pointless column of April 12, 2001 is in fact the birthplace of the game of hockey which you Coloradans have so recently learned to worship. You see, the “National” in National Hockey League stands for Canada. And long before American money plucked a financially-strapped but talented young team from Quebec City minutes before their Stanley Cup Victory, a rich tradition of sportsmanship and grace began in the New World, in Canada.

You can be forgiven for your seeming inability to display such sportsmanship, since obviously the sport of hockey and its heritage are all new to you. I assume that adding another sport to your career-long diet of Football, Baseball, and Professional Wrestling has not afforded you the opportunity to perform in-depth analysis and research as to this seemingly new-fangled sport’s traditions.

Anyway, on to my lesson. Lord Stanley, sent to Canada in the 1880s by the Queen of England (can you name which one?) as Canada’s Governor General, repeataedly observed groups of teenage boys playing a strange sport called “hockey” along Ottawa’s frozen Rideau Canal. The word comes from the French word “hocquet” which means “bent stick” — Canada has always embraced both French and English cultures equally.

A few months later, he purchased a tin cup for 10 guineas on London’s Carnaby Street. He wanted to create a tournament and national championship with the aim of unifying a nation that was then fractured by distance and dissimilar interests. The tournament was first held in Canada in 1893 and was won, ironically, by the Montreal Amateur Athletic Association — the seeds of what would eventually become “Les Habitants”, or the Montreal Canadiens.

In 1917, after World War I, the amateur teams of Canada merged to create the “original five” teams of the National Hockey League — the Montreal Canadiens, the Montreal Wanderers, the Ottawa Senators, the Quebec Bulldogs, and the Toronto Arenas — flying under the banner of the Stanley Cup. The cup, though property of the NHL, was up for grabs by the top teams of other leagues, like the PCL.

Even in those days, Canadian teams competed for players with the deep pockets of American investors. As Amateur Athletics began to congeal around this new championship race, companies around the Eastern US began sponsoring their own teams in a loosely assembled corporate hockey league. Robber barons and other industrialists came to bet thousands of dollars on the outcome of games, and things started heating up.

Whether it was for corporate pride, personal ego, or monetary gain these teams made up of each company’s “employees” began importing seasoned, skilled Canadian hockey players to the US for exhorbitant amounts of money to secure victory. In a few short decades since its inception, Canada had become a hockey factory of sorts, turning out prodigies like Cyclone Taylor, Joe Malone, Cy Denneny, and others.

Eventually, the many teams and leagues folded under the economic pressure by growing salaries and the league converged around a mixture of Canadian and American teams from six cities, spawning the misnomer “original six”.

It was simple economics that drew many of these talents South of the border, beginning an oft-repeated tradition in hockey, which continues today. These days, Canada produces greater than 60% of the players in the NHL — an impressive feat for a country with fewer than 28 million people. Of the five Avalanche Superstars you mention in your article — Ray Bourque, Rob Blake, Joe Sakic, Peter Forsberg and Patrick Roy — all but one are Canadian.

Your revered (until he loses a few games) Avs coach, Bob Hartley, is Canadian. Marc Crawford, your former coach and present adversary, is also Canadian. In fact, reviewing the Stanley Cup victors of the last five years, each winning team has greatly exceeded the statistical average percentage of Canadians in the league on a per team basis. Clearly this is a winning formula and clearly American sports entrepeneurs have taken notice.

With enterprise and American money, the league has multiplied to cover such unlikely locales for ice hockey as Tampa Bay, San Jose, and Colorado. Through it all, the National Hockey League has retained its original traditions — as each team advances to the next round of the playoffs, for example, they go with the handshakes and blessings of those whom they defeated. These subtle gestures of sportsmanship harken back to the league’s amateur origins.

But what is it that makes Canadian players and the Canadian game so successful? Perhaps it is the hard work, dedication, and fortitude of the players coming out of our system. Perhaps it is education programmes, corporate funding, or community support that makes it possible. In all cases, though, these support systems pale by comparison to the influence of a strong and ingrained tradition of athletic excellence and sportsmanship.

Last night I watched with amazement as Barry Bonds became the 17th player to hit 500 home runs during his career — an impressive, but clearly not exceptional feat. The entire game ceased for 20 minutes to accomodate a special ceremony and photo op that had obviously been planned and rehearsed with every detail.

By contrast, when Wayne Gretzky (a Canadian) leafed his 802nd goal past a stunned netminder to surpass Gordie Howe’s career scoring record — a record which will likely stand forever at 894 — he simply raised a hand in modest celebration before the ovations of the crowd, returned to the players’ bench, and awaited his next shift.

Perhaps in this dichotomy you will see that our Canadian tradition of subtlety, humility, and above all respect (for the game, its players, and for its fans) embody the word “sportsmanship”. You will see that the game of hockey retains many such traditions that have been lost in other sports, to their detriment. You will see that, win or lose, all participants can stand proud and be counted among the elite few priviledged to play the world’s fastest sport.

You would do well to pay homage to this tradition rather than treading all over it with your shoddilly-written article (satire or not). As outright ignorance and lack of respect such as yours seeps into the game along with your money, you jeopardize the dignity and sanctity of the very sport itself. You can be forgiven, as an obvious newcomer, for not understanding — but you cannot for the tone in which you express your sentiments.

Today, as throughout the league’s history, a victory for any NHL team remains a victory for all Canadians. It is our game, our tradition, our players, and our National symbol. To date, the contributions Americans have made to the game are limited to your money, and the hackneyed opinions of a few small town columnists with a penchant for revisionist history.

Thanks anyway,

-Ian.

Anyway, what’s afoot right now is a major hellstorm of flame email targeted at this moron. He made a big mistake when he took a piss on Canada. His email is WoodyPaige [at] aol [dot] com . Make it hurt. Pass it on.

-Ian.

—- http://www.denverpost.com/Stories/0,1002,111%7E20077,00.html

By Woody Paige Denver Post Sports Columnist

Thursday, April 12, 2001 – Woe is Canada.

I feel sorry for Canadians.

“Canada is a country where nothing ever seems to happen,” wrote author Carol Shields. “A country you wouldn’t ask to dance a second waltz.” A country that rarely has a team in the second waltz of the playoffs.

Other than arguing over which language to speak, hockey is the national pastime.

Yet, a Canadian hockey team hasn’t won an NHL championship since all the people spoke Iroquoisese, eh?

And that streak won’t end this year.

Three of the four Canadian clubs in the playoffs will be eliminated in the first round, and the only reason there won’t be a four-gone conclusion is that Toronto is playing Ottawa. One must advance – and will be dumped in the second round.

Take the Vancouver Caknuckleheads. Please. They open the postseason tonight at The Can against the Colorado Avalanche.

Vancouver’s Marc Crawford, who used to coach a talented team, is reduced to rolling out goons, buffoons and Princess Dyes. Three Vancouver forwards – and the all-important assistant equipment manager – have dyed their hair blond before the first game. The Avs must be scared out of their sweaters. The Caknuckleheads are going to try to dazzle ’em with their ‘dos.

Given the brute style of hockey the Caknuckleheads prefer to play, Avalanche coach Bob Hartley would be wise not to to risk injury by scratching Ray Bourque, Rob Blake, Joe Sakic, Peter Forsberg and Patrick Roy (none of whom has gotten a roots tint) and let the Hershey Bears win four in a row.

The Caknuckleheads, making a playoff appearance for the first time in five seasons, are missing Markus Naslund and Andrew Cassels and don’t know whether to start Bob Essena or Dan Cloutier in goal. Doesn’t matter. The Avs won’t take pity on either. The only edge Vancouver has is that Crawford’s hair is more stylish than Hartley’s. The Avalanche management doesn’t even have to short-sheet Crow’s bench. The only exciting matchup in the series is Crawford vs. Pierre Lacroix.

Can’t we get this over with and get on with a good United States opponent?

North Dakota calls itself “The Peace Garden State” because there is a peace garden (which reportedly blooms one weekend in July) on the border with Canada, as if we have to worry about peace with our northern neighbors, who still bow to a queen who lives on a distant island. Canada may be the world’s second-largest country in land mass, but a U.S. invasion and takeover would be finished by brunch.

Like this series – which will be over after three games and six minutes into the fourth.

Once again, by the conference finals, Canadians will be innocent bystanders, cheering only for Don Cherry’s outfits and outbursts.

The NHL is too wound up about expanding the playoffs when, instead, the league should be aiding and abetting Canada.

If it weren’t for Canada, where would so many of us have hidden out during the Vietnam War?

There should be realignment to give the Canadians, including the Canadiens (and their new Colorado owner), hope in the postseason.

Canada should an occasional prospect for reclaiming the Stanley Container.

As always, I’m here with a solution.

Divide the league into four conferences – North, South, Midwest/West and Canada.

North: Buffalo, Boston, New York Islanders, New York Rangers, New Jersey Devils, Philadelphia, Pittsburgh and Detroit.

South: Washington, Carolina, Nashville, St. Louis, Dallas, Atlanta, Tampa Bay and Florida.

Midwest/West: Minnesota, Chicago, Colorado, Phoenix, San Jose, Los Angeles, Anaheim and Columbus.

Canada: Toronto, Montreal, Ottawa, Vancouver, Edmonton and Calgary.

The top four teams from each conference – a total of 16, same as now – would move onto the playoffs, with Nos. 1 and 4 and 2 and 3 meeting in the opening round.

For instance, the conference champion, Colorado, would play Phoenix, and San Jose would play Los Angeles.

After two intraconference series, the winners would reach the conference finals.

What’s different? Canada annually would be guaranteed of sending four teams to the playoffs and would be assured of having one in the conference finals, with a 50 percent chance of being represented in the Stanley Cup Finals. As an example, this year it could have been the Avalanche from the Midwest/West, Dallas from the South, Detroit from the North and Ottawa from the Canada conferences.

Canada would alternate in the conference finals against the other three.

There.

Otherwise, Canadians are forced to watch ice fishing and curling in May and June.