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Hey, Mr. Hedge Fund genius… times are about to get tough as New York’s streets get rougher from all those homeless former high-risk mortgage-holders, newly laid off by their investment bank employers. But you’re still doing OK, thanks to the U.S. Congress. So why not hook yourself up with a bulletproof ride?

Absolutely, you say? Look no further than the Mercedes-Benz S 600 Pullman Guard.

You too can enjoy the same historical level of protection as the Shah of Iran, Emperor Hiro Hito, and Hitler Himself. The Mercedes Benz Guard business unit has been cranking out Benz-based armoured limousines for generations, and this one doesn’t fail to impress. Just a few tantalizing details:

  • 5513cc, 12-cylinder biturbo engine delivering 517 hp
  • Self-sealing fuel tanks, run-flat tires, and a fire-suppression system
  • Resistant to military-standard small-arms projectiles and fragments from grenade and IED explosions
  • HDTV-capable LCD screens throughout, satellite navigation and communications included
  • Electrotransparent partition to provide a sight/sound barrier between passengers and driver

… and just in case you need a distraction from staring ghoulishly at all those poor folks, a Wii!

With the launch of this car, announced last week during the middle of the Bailout Bill voting crisis, Mercedes demonstrated Germans’ customary failure to appreciate irony in a most spectacular way. So let me be the first to dub this the “Bailout Benz”.

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