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As the U.S. Economy continues to lag and the energy crisis continues to heighten tensions, our friends the US Government have offered few solutions short of ordering Federal offices to reduce energy consumption by sending fewer emails.

In fact, most of the US Government’s efforts have been focused on the assignment of blame. Like silly schoolchildren the President (Dick Cheney) and his sidekick George Bush have laid blame upon the lineup of usual suspects which conveniently avail themselves to every republican cause: liberals, democrats, and environmentalists.

But I, your humble list master, have identified the real culprits that are responsible for our current troubles: China.

The US Economy is dependent upon continuing expansion of the business world for growth. The business world depends on email. California, where most email is sent or received (according to the Bush administration) depends on reliable electricity to power the business world. California’s power grid used to rely on a surplus from Nevada which, thanks to the growth of Las Vegas, is no longer available. Las Vegas is crawling with Chinese travelers gambling, engaging in lecherous and debaucherous acts, and generally consuming power for frivolous purposes.

You see how it all ties together? It’s those sneaky Chinese undermining the US economy and enjoying our free cocktails and all-you-can-eat buffets while they’re at it.

They must be made to pay.

Look at all of those other devilish things they’ve been doing lately: they stole our airplane, for god’s sake, and they won’t give it back! They’ve been asserting their own territorial waters with naval exercises, scaring our cowering friends in Taiwan. They even won the contract to manufacture the green berets for our very own Green Berets, those sneaky bastards. Now they’re talking about a space program?

They can have only one intent and that is war.

So fine. Let’s give it to ’em. Let’s call the British (they’re always up for a good fight) and the Canadians — heck, let’s call the Australians — and get them to buy a bunch of our stuff from us to drop on good ol’ Shanghai.

We’ll call it “Operation Hong Kong POW!”. We’ll execute a long and expensive aerial bombing campaign, build and launch a quickly thrown-together system of laser satellites to protect us from incoming nukes, and we’ll ship 43,000 Hummers to our friends in Taiwan. It will take at least a year of solid warfare to beat our way up to an inconclusive and totally ineffective result which we can claim as victory.

Next we’ll force the UN to embargo all trade between China and the rest of the world. This means no giveaway rubber balls at Pizza Hut, no fortune cookies, no Mu-Shu Pork, no Rice… and none of those tasty little Mandarin Oranges that the Florida Orange Growers’ Association is always complaining about.

Really, it’s a win-win for everybody. Just think of the benefits!

Much as Desert Storm pulled the US Economy from the doldrums of the late 1980s and allowed oil prices to re-stabilize under US control as the Arab World cowered in the face of the evil and maniacal Sunni Muslims of Iraq; so a war with China could revitalize the aerospace and technology sectors, increase exports from American-owned Mexican sweat shops as Chinese exports are embargoed, and allow oil prices to re-stabilize under US control as the Arab World cowers in the face of the evil and maniacal Communists of China.

Apart from killing a few hundred thousand Chinese there’s not much wrong with this plan… And even so, what’s the big deal? Hey, they’ve proven they can procreate… It’d hardly take them any time at all to rebuild that sort of a scratch on their population.

Plus, getting rid of some of them increases the chances of the upcoming biography of Ronald Reagan knocking “The Little Red Book” off of the #2 spot on the all-time Best Sellers list.

Oh, wait. What? You say those guys in Las Vegas gambling and drinking are Japanese?

Well, OK… Bomb them too.

-Ian. (Honorary Redneck)

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