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I honestly have a hard time believing that this guy is for real. He’s just the sort of crass, bigoted, moronic, ugly American that gives citizens of the US a bad name around the world.

Anyway, what’s afoot right now is a major hellstorm of flame email targeted at this moron. He made a big mistake when he took a piss on Canada. His email is WoodyPaige [at] aol [dot] com . Make it hurt. Pass it on.

-Ian.

—- http://www.denverpost.com/Stories/0,1002,111%7E20077,00.html

By Woody Paige Denver Post Sports Columnist

Thursday, April 12, 2001 – Woe is Canada.

I feel sorry for Canadians.

“Canada is a country where nothing ever seems to happen,” wrote author Carol Shields. “A country you wouldn’t ask to dance a second waltz.” A country that rarely has a team in the second waltz of the playoffs.

Other than arguing over which language to speak, hockey is the national pastime.

Yet, a Canadian hockey team hasn’t won an NHL championship since all the people spoke Iroquoisese, eh?

And that streak won’t end this year.

Three of the four Canadian clubs in the playoffs will be eliminated in the first round, and the only reason there won’t be a four-gone conclusion is that Toronto is playing Ottawa. One must advance – and will be dumped in the second round.

Take the Vancouver Caknuckleheads. Please. They open the postseason tonight at The Can against the Colorado Avalanche.

Vancouver’s Marc Crawford, who used to coach a talented team, is reduced to rolling out goons, buffoons and Princess Dyes. Three Vancouver forwards – and the all-important assistant equipment manager – have dyed their hair blond before the first game. The Avs must be scared out of their sweaters. The Caknuckleheads are going to try to dazzle ’em with their ‘dos.

Given the brute style of hockey the Caknuckleheads prefer to play, Avalanche coach Bob Hartley would be wise not to to risk injury by scratching Ray Bourque, Rob Blake, Joe Sakic, Peter Forsberg and Patrick Roy (none of whom has gotten a roots tint) and let the Hershey Bears win four in a row.

The Caknuckleheads, making a playoff appearance for the first time in five seasons, are missing Markus Naslund and Andrew Cassels and don’t know whether to start Bob Essena or Dan Cloutier in goal. Doesn’t matter. The Avs won’t take pity on either. The only edge Vancouver has is that Crawford’s hair is more stylish than Hartley’s. The Avalanche management doesn’t even have to short-sheet Crow’s bench. The only exciting matchup in the series is Crawford vs. Pierre Lacroix.

Can’t we get this over with and get on with a good United States opponent?

North Dakota calls itself “The Peace Garden State” because there is a peace garden (which reportedly blooms one weekend in July) on the border with Canada, as if we have to worry about peace with our northern neighbors, who still bow to a queen who lives on a distant island. Canada may be the world’s second-largest country in land mass, but a U.S. invasion and takeover would be finished by brunch.

Like this series – which will be over after three games and six minutes into the fourth.

Once again, by the conference finals, Canadians will be innocent bystanders, cheering only for Don Cherry’s outfits and outbursts.

The NHL is too wound up about expanding the playoffs when, instead, the league should be aiding and abetting Canada.

If it weren’t for Canada, where would so many of us have hidden out during the Vietnam War?

There should be realignment to give the Canadians, including the Canadiens (and their new Colorado owner), hope in the postseason.

Canada should an occasional prospect for reclaiming the Stanley Container.

As always, I’m here with a solution.

Divide the league into four conferences – North, South, Midwest/West and Canada.

North: Buffalo, Boston, New York Islanders, New York Rangers, New Jersey Devils, Philadelphia, Pittsburgh and Detroit.

South: Washington, Carolina, Nashville, St. Louis, Dallas, Atlanta, Tampa Bay and Florida.

Midwest/West: Minnesota, Chicago, Colorado, Phoenix, San Jose, Los Angeles, Anaheim and Columbus.

Canada: Toronto, Montreal, Ottawa, Vancouver, Edmonton and Calgary.

The top four teams from each conference – a total of 16, same as now – would move onto the playoffs, with Nos. 1 and 4 and 2 and 3 meeting in the opening round.

For instance, the conference champion, Colorado, would play Phoenix, and San Jose would play Los Angeles.

After two intraconference series, the winners would reach the conference finals.

What’s different? Canada annually would be guaranteed of sending four teams to the playoffs and would be assured of having one in the conference finals, with a 50 percent chance of being represented in the Stanley Cup Finals. As an example, this year it could have been the Avalanche from the Midwest/West, Dallas from the South, Detroit from the North and Ottawa from the Canada conferences.

Canada would alternate in the conference finals against the other three.

There.

Otherwise, Canadians are forced to watch ice fishing and curling in May and June.

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